The Divine in me. How I found my spirit name. (Spoiler Alert.. it's Sara)

This story is not for everyone... but it's the truth of what yoga culture and asana mean to me. <3
Namaste!

Yoga Teacher Training


To set the scene... Cold yoga studio which has been shut down for the weekend to accommodate our group. This means the heat has been shut off.
It's December in Nebraska.
After 3 days, each of which contained about 10 hours of solid asana in a building without a water fountain, my body barely worked.
The Caveman Roomie welcomed me home each of those nights with a recovery drink and dinner. One night (as the story goes.. I have to take his word for it) I passed out on the living room floor while he was in the bathroom running me a very hot bath in our whirlpool.
This weekend left me sore, exhausted, and with a good pocketful of new friends who were all on a similar path. We wanted to bring this beautiful practice to as many people as possible. We wanted to know EVERYTHING about it so we could be as effective as we are caring.
I met Gary*. He was a middle school social studies teacher and wanted to open a studio in the next couple of years. We shared a pepperoni pizza after class one night to talk about what yoga means to us. He was trying to stave off the effects of arthritis. The low impact was so easy on his joints and made him feel strong enough to fight off the symptoms.
I met Julie*. She worked in the floral department of a local grocery store.
Single Mom with 3 kids.. we chatted over a glass of wine about the autism spectrum and how over medicated kids are these days. She ordered a giant brownie with whipped cream and licked her fingers of the chocolate syrup explaining how it was the first time since her oldest son was born that she had been granted more than just a bite of anything so sweet without little fingers snatching it away.

I liked Gary and Julie.. They were so down to earth in this strangely competitive, often judgemental field.
Probably just because like me, they were newbies.
We hadn't been entrenched in the local culture or subjected to the glares of the hard core yogi yet. YET.

Fast forward one year.
I'm practically dancing into another yoga teacher weekend which I had saved for 4 months to afford.
My belly fills with butterflies as I spot Julie and Gary in a crowd of people I don't yet know.
I skip (sorry.. I do that sometimes) over to their group and greet them.
They turn slowly and with a tilt of her head Julie holds her hands in Namaste.
"Hello! As we meet again, let me introduce myself! My name is Jagat Priya... it means Justifier."
Gary bows deeply at me and speaks so slowly I wonder if he's been told that this is in fact a weekend for recent psych ward patients...
"I am Tree. My heart is glad to see you old friend! What is your name?"

......
...........
Uhm.
My name is... Sara... still.

"No no no, my sweet friend... what is your Spirit name?"

I look around to see if my spirit is standing nearby and hopefully wearing a name tag.
Foiled, I respond... Did I forget to grab the packet assigning.. uhm. Spirit names?

They look at me like I'm the most adorable child of all time.

Later, I ask them to grab a coffee with me on our break.
They both opt for herbal tea and stare a me in horror as I add dairy creamer to my fully caffeinated steaming cup of consumerism.
A 45 minute lecture ensues during which I'm told in graphic detail what I'm doing to my body and the environment. I walked in proud of myself for remembering to pack my own bph free coffee thermos, but I guess I just spat in the rainforest's face.. as well as a dozen or so migrant workers. Sorry guys! =(

The two took regular sidebars to congratulate one another on their strict veganism and use of Sanskrit.

As we walked back to the studio to continue day one of what looked to be 3 very trying days, the two agreed they would dedicate today's practice to me in hopes that my spirit would reveal and name itself.
Sigh.
I was hoping to deepen my practice.. but this was.. well. Douchey. (sorry Schmom)

As we exhaled deeper into this posture, extended into that posture, and floooaaated into yet another arm balance, I was flooded with a strong, undefined emotion.
Was I embarrassed that my spiritual practice didn't include changing my name and voice? Did this mean it wasn't legit? Was I indignant that they disagreed with my belief that ahimsa's true meaning wasn't 'don't eat meat'? Did I feel like I was failing yoga?
As I lay in Savasana (Which is Sanskrit for 'try not to fall asleep' pose) I let my mind really chew on those thoughts.
We sat and breathed again in unison... clarity rose up from somewhere deep in my belly.
 

We all bowed in Namaste and rolled our mats.
Jagat Priya and Tree made their way to me.. glowing.
'Did you find your truth, Sister Sara?'
I bowed deeply, grateful for them and the truth their energy helped me locate within my own spirit.
"Namaste!" came a softened voice from my lips. "I am Yoni"
They praised the divine within me and asked me to join them for dinner.

The next 2 days passed, filling my heart with absolute beauty. I learned so much and grew more and more excited to bring these lessons to my students..
On our last day, Tree approached and told me how inspired he was by the truths I spoke during our Bahkti discussion. He praised my insight into the changes breath can cause in a relationship.
"Yoni, I was hoping we could talk about opening a studio together when we get back from the retreat? I feel like I've found a real friend in you. A soul mate.."
I smiled.
Sure, Gary.. but you're gonna have to stop calling me vagina.
He sputtered.
It's only the most well known word in the Sanskrit language.. on every page of the Kama Sutra... Vulva.
You've been calling me Vulva.
After a few moments, he finally laughed.
It was like watching someone wake up from a daydream.
Gary and I left. We got a pepperoni pizza and laughed.. realizing that the real path is happiness.
Teaching those who NEED asana is my happiness.
*shrug*
I'm not going to be everyone's favorite yogi. I'm not a razor-thin vegan with a voice like velvet. I won't always use the Sanskrit terms for each posture.
But I teach the yoga of joy. Health. Truth, I suppose....

Don't get me wrong.. I have deep respect for yoga. For all 7 limbs and anyone who wants to call themselves The Justifier (How could you NOT respect that???) There is so much to be gained by learning the root of Asana and LIVING yoga.
But you can enjoy a deep, fulfilling practice without being a judgemental jerk.
And with that, The Divine in me bows to the Divine in you. Love you guys!

Top 10 things I learned about pregnancy.. from an ametuer incubator

The moment you see that second line appear on your EPT, you want to call everyone you know and share the news... but you probably won't. You'll wait until you've seen the doctor.. heard the heartbeat... you may even wait until you can no longer play off your bulging belly as one too many slices of pizza.
We all share the news in our own time and in our own way... but the MINUTE you do, some alarm goes off throughout your social circle telling everyone you encounter that you are in dire need of advice and horror stories. The moment you absentmindedly place a protective hand on your protruding pooch every parent in the building will be instinctively drawn to the Mama-to-be to tell her 'the thing they don't warn you about'
Here are the top 10 things I've taken away from my pregnancy.. before the amazing amnesia hormone kicks in and makes me forget!


10: You are now public property.

Your belly is about to be rubbed, touched, and fondled by every person you know and every old lady in every grocery store you dare enter. Carry a big purse to protect your itchy, aching midsection from probing hands! When we hit 41 weeks gestation, one "helpful" woman actually dared shove down from the top of my stomach while shouting "Get out of there, Baby! We want to meet you!"
I had just met this woman.
It's likely I'll never encounter her again...
Thank. Frank.


9. You're doing it wrong. All of it...

Avoiding gluten, I was told dozzzzens of times how I was depriving my son of 'VITAL' nutrients. Such as??
Reaching for my chocolate milk I'm told I'm setting him up for a lifetime of sugar dependency.
When I stand at a party talking with friends I need to be sitting and resting.. but when I stopped teaching class because of our very early contractions I was setting myself up for a difficult labor. How much weight have you gained so far??? All told, I gained 26 pounds. This was both FAR too much and not nearly enough.. And I was constantly reminded both that I needed to put my own feelings about my body aside and gain weight for the baby's sake and that I would NEVER get the weight off.
People want to know everything.. Are you going to find out the sex? Getting an epidural? Circumsising? Breastfeeding? Such personal questions... with NO right answer. People are PASSIONATE about these topics and you are now in the hotseat. Good luck, there!

8. Maternity Clothes???

I remember buying my sister Maternity clothes when she was about 5 months along. They were beautiful and she was beautiful in them! And while I started showing very early (11 weeks!) I never actually needed them. Well. Maybe I did.. but I refused to wear them ;) I wore my regular jeans to the birthing center the day our angel was born...However I did purchase one item.
It was a talisman, really. When we encountered our first complication I marched into Gordman's and bought a maternity shirt.. just to remind myself that one day I WOULD need this shirt. We WOULD get there and this baby was going to make it <3

My one and only maternity shirt
(around 8 1/2 months along)

But when you switch from regular clothes to maternity is all on you. Any bit of comfort you can squeeze out of these 9 months is crucial, so don't let anyone make this call for you!

7. It goes by in a FLASH.... a really, really, really, long sleepless flash...


I imagine I could have stayed pregnant for a year if Bam wanted to hang out that long... but from the minute the second line appeared on my.. *ahem*.. 4th pregnancy test...
All I could think was 'Can't I meet you yet??'
I never wanted to rush my pregnancy. I loved having him safe and sound in my belly where I could force feed him all the brussel sprouts and cauliflower a pregnant lady can stomach.
I enjoyed feeling him move.. even when he found a separated rib to play with the last 2 months. I can't believe how fast 9 months was upon us and I'd have to share him with the world... but when someone says you're going to meet the love of your life in 40 weeks (42 for us, thanks!) you are on the edge of your seat the whole time!
Enjoy your pregnancy... you'll hear 'wait til' so many times!
Every time you mention your pregnancy you'll hear 'Wait til he's keeping you up all night, then tell me how perfect he is.' 'Wait til he's in middle school and starts mouthing off, then tell me how wonderful he is' 'Wait til he doesn't NEED your advice, then tell me how much you love being a mom'
How bout no? How about I don't need to wait because I'm so happy to be his mom even if he DOES act like humans are known to? How about never ever wait... enjoy every second, because it IS only a second.

 

6. You. Will. Cry.
I felt ok about the handle I had on my emotions... I never hated Abrabacon for no reason. I didn't wake him at 3am because if I don't have a pint of Ben and Jerry's pizza flavored ice cream with marshmallow drizzle RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO DIEEE!
Honestly.. I didn't even gain a ridiculous amount of weight..
But about once a week I would calmly mention to Abe.. I'm going to go cry. I'm going to sit in the bathtub and read Clive Barker books and sob... I'm not sad. I'm not angry... I'm just full of tears and I have to go get them out of my face. See you in an hour.

Then around month 7, this pristine control became a bit shaky as things crept up on me.
For instance, while I had only one maternity shirt, my cup size upgraded once. Twice. 5 times.
Squeezing into a bra and putting on my shirt only to find that you could very clearly see breasticular muffin top quite frequently reduced me to not only tears, but full on Rom-com worthy closet destroying montages wherein I repeated a dozen or so times "I'm SO fat!"
Pan to Abe snickering at me until things started flying from the closet straight at his head.

5. Enemies no more


This was very strange to me, but stick with me.
I'm not for everyone. I'm loving, sure.. but also a bit loud and occasionally crass. I don't mind getting into the dirty details and I don't mind being in a pink apron putting dinner on the table when Abe gets home... thus putting off both the feminine AND the feminist set. What's more is that I find it easier to be friends with men than women. This isn't all women, of course.. I have an amazing core set of ladies I wouldn't trade for TWO worlds.. but I generally find myself more comfortable joking with men than the more competitive, fairer sex.
More specifically, the girlfriends of my guy friends.
Somehow, I always find myself losing a game I didn't know I was playing.
This unflattering feature of the female brain fades fast when the object of their ire is with child. *shrug* Good thing, too. I've enjoyed the company of females so much better since May and you REALLY need the love and support of women during this time. Trust me. I cannot underscore this enough. I'm going to keep rambling here because you need to take this one to heart...
And rude men? Pushy, annoying.. any kind of hard to handle dude now sees you as precious and in need of protecting.. almost like their very own mothers. You are in for the taking-care-of of your life =)

4. Those scrambled eggs made me so hungry....

All I could do in my last 8 weeks was eat. And eat.. then all that eating would make me so hungry!
I would literally be cooking my breakfast and realize I would be hungry again as soon as I was done eating, so I would turn on the oven and throw in a miniature Cauliflower crust pizza.
It's ok to eat. Really.. you need it.

3. All of those nosy, rude comments? They're made by people who love you and mean well. Be nice.


It's hard to do.. but remember that it's not intended as a slight or to mean that you're not a good mother.
If you realllllly get to a point where you can't handle it, realize that people only ask you about your pregnancy/nursery/birth plan so they can tell you about theirs. If you don't want to divulge your personal life, simply ask them about theirs.
Pregnancy is the thing that binds us all. It's the thing we've all got in common... and so you are now a representative of life itself. Get use to being a temporary celebrity and learn to flip the interview onto your new adoring fan.
Try saying 'We have a birth plan in place, but I'm curious about yours... what did you use as your focal point to keep you motivated through pushing?

2. It's harder than you think it's going to be... But that's ok. You're stronger than you think you are.

 

 

The pregnancy was harder than I anticipated. It hurt more.. every day. You would never catch me 'glowwwing'.. sweating? Oh yes. Oily? Check! But glowing? Not here, buddy.
I didn't relish decorating the nursery or registering for gifts.. I just wanted the baby, not the stuff that comes with him! I often wondered how pregnant ladies always seemed so beautiful to me.. I was sure I always had a grimace of pain on my face... I had regular contractions from month 4..
Then there was Christmas season. Contractions 4-7 minutes apart for 6 weeks.
I worried what Abe's coworkers thought of me when we attended his work holiday party and I found myself a sweating mess, timing contractions and unable to speak through them...
Then, spending Christmas day crawling around our living room floor with our dogs.. trying to play cribbage with Abe between mind numbing back labor.
Around hour 50 of labor I thought... I just can't do it anymore.
I begged Abe.. if the baby hasn't come in the next 20 minutes, will you choke me out???? PLEASE!?
A blow to the back of the head to put me out for a little while.. I just need a break!

I was able to stay quiet enough until hour 54. I forgot why I had been pushing since 2pm. I forgot my name..
1. It's worth every second...At 7:30pm on December 26th, 2012, our midwife urges me to open my eyes and reach down. I reach blindly as she guides me to something warm and solid.
"Deliver your baby, Sara.. Push one more time and pull him out"
And with the last I had in me, I brought our son into the world.
He was so heavy and seemed so unhappy to be pulled out into the cold, but I brought him from his former residence up onto my chest. He cried as I stared at his dark hair, his furry ears, and his enormous blue eyes. We stayed like this, alone in a cacophonous room for ages..
When the umbilical cord stopped pulsing, his proud father broke the last thing that physically connected us.. his lifeline for the last 42 weeks. Our son opened his perfect eyes and looked up at me and I realized I would do it all again tomorrow if he asked me.

 



What are some of the surprising things YOU learned from you or a significant other's pregnancy?
Any advice to expectant Mamas?
Leave your comments or message me privately to share your story!!

Seafood Dinner =) Nom!

Couple quick ideas for you to put together a beautiful dinner (don't judge it by the picture!) with minimal effort!

For this particular meal you will need:

Your favorite white fish (or salmon)
1 medium yellow onion
1 lemon
3 or 4 cloves of garlic
1 medium spaghetti squash
1 lb shelled and deveined shrimp
1 cucumber
1 brick of cream cheese (NOT cream cheese substitute or I can't believe it's not cream cheese...)
1 packet of Nori (should be in the Asian food aisle of your grocer)
1/2 lb crab meat
1 avocado
No less than 1 stick of butter
salt, pepper, and OPTIONAL dill (I hate dill =/)



Preheat oven to 350 and halve and seed your squash.
Add about 1/2 inch of salted water to a casserole dish and place squash cut side down in oven.
Let it hang out for about 30 minutes or until a fork easily pierces the skin.

Meanwhile place one slice of lemon and one slice of onion on a small square of foil. Place one piece of whitefish on your lemon and salt, pepper, and lemon the top of it. Add 2 or 3 pats of butter to the top and carefully fold foil over to make little steam packets. Throw in the oven when your squash has been hanging out for 10 of it's 30 minutes (Which will make the cooking time on your fish about 20 minutes, check that fish is firm but pull before it gets dry)

While everything bakes... On 1 sheet of nori, place a thin line of crab meat, cucumber, avocado, and cream cheese.
Carefully roll and set aside.
When you're ready, slice and serve beside the rest of your beautiful dish...
For extra points, buy powdered wasabi and mix a fresh batch to serve with your cali roll ;)

Add butter to a heated skillet and throw your shrimp in with garlic, onion, salt, pepper, and parsley. Toss until lightly browned on top.

Shred your squash and serve shrimp scampi style on top.
Carefully remove your fish and serve beside scampi.
Open a beautiful bottle of white wine and toast your fabulosity <3

Butternut Squash Soup *A WHOLE family friendly recipe for Thanksgiving*

I'm not going to wax philosophical on the meaning of Thanksgiving today..

It's the one day a year we don't need some weird keyboard warrior to remind us to smile at our significant other as he watches football on the couch. It's the day we don't get frustrated at the dog for being under our feet or our sister for bringing that musician boyfriend nobody can seem to get behind.
It's the day you invite the vegan cousin for dinner... knowing you're going to have to watch him glare at the turkey and remind you that it once had a brain and a mother.

The newly converted Buddhist/Artist/Dog Groomer/Theramin player/Splashing Hands Instructor brother will sit next to your lawyer friend who couldn't get home for the holiday.
And everyone will hate something on the table and something on the tv. Everyone will tell you why the last election was rigged or right and everyone will roll their eyes as 3 different denominations insist on leading the prayer over the meal.
And everyone will leave without a hint of animosity at the diverse table of gorgeous souls who had one thing in common: Everything to be grateful for.

So thank you for reading <3 Thank you for opening your hearts...
And thank you for leaving me the turkey leg ;) The wishbone is all yours. I couldn't hope for another amazing thing this year...

So. What are you going to feed your vegan paleo diabetic celiacs with peanut allergies this year?

How about some Butternut Squash soup?

Easy Peasy. Ready??

I very large butternut squash. Peeled, seeded, and cubed.
1 large yellow onion, roughly chopped

4 or 5 carrots, cleaned and chopped
4-6 cups of veggie stock (depending on your desired consistency and # of folks to serve)
Cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, clove OR curry powder... if ya wanna schmancy it ;)

Preheat oven to 400. You have the option of tossing your cubed squash in olive oil and salt before spreading in an even layer on your cookie sheet (I don't prefer to cook with olive oil.. but that's a whole nother post... here I would use butter or bacon grease depending on my desired flavor)
Roast for 30-40 minutes until a fork inserts easily.

Toss your onion into a large hot pot with some kind of fat (butter, olive oil, lard, tallow, bacon grease....) until onions have softened. Add carrots and any other veggies you want to use. Butternut squash has a very rich flavor, so this is an ideal place to sneak cauliflower or any extra veg into your family's dinner without any complaining ;)

Cook until you have reached a pretty uniform tenderness and add your veggie stock. Obviously, you can use beef or chicken stock here as well, but we're being vegan today ;)

 

 

Add your roasted butternut squash to stock and cook until your liquid has reduced by about 1/4. Add whatever spices tickle your turkey and hit the whole thing with a stick blender or slowly add to a food processor until you've reached your desired consistency =)

Serve it up to your colorful collection of loved ones and enjoy one last silent night before the next of the holidays hits ya between the eyes ;)

 

 

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine

December 21, 2012.
I'm sure you're aware of the significance of that date.
It's only an approximation, of course... but that's the best anyone can hope for, really.
The day the world as we know it.... ends.
That's it.
The Mayans aren't the only ones who have cleverly (if somewhat cryptically) informed us of our impending upheaval.

Nostradamus.
The dreams of Daniel.
Revelations made to John the Apostle.

We've known about this for centuries.. and yet, was there any way to prepare?
No.
When your world changes, you can't be ready.
You just have to change, too.

I've spent months preparing for this.
I know I've done everything I can.. but on at least a daily basis I take inventory.
Where can the supply be supplemented? Do we have a decent supply of food? What else can help in the transition??
All the supplies in the world aren't what I need.

I do my pushups against the wall or up the stairs. It's getting harder with my expanding belly. I can barely bend my arms before my belly brushes ground.
I do pushups with my legs on the couch.
I swim to keep my heart healthy enough for the exertions before me.
I use the abductor and abductor machines to keep my legs strong.
Reverse crunches. Squats. I don't use weights anymore, but I stay strong.
I keep myself well fueled.
You never know when everything could start... you never know when life as we know it will begin to change.

I check our supplies again.
Onesies. Check.
Tiny jeans. Check.
Tiny hoodies with dinosaur spikes down the back.. Double check.
We still need to make a final decision on those cloth diapers and make that initial investment.. but again. All the supplies in the world won't prepare us for the end. For the beginning....

When the day comes and the world is changed.. all we'll be able to do is stare in awe at the tiny wonder that will save us. Save us from not knowing what we're capable of. Save us from having no place to put all of the good we have cultivated in our 60 combined years of life..
All we can do is embrace the new world that will be handed to us.
And all I can think is... it's going to be a Good life <3


Paleo Pasta

This isn't really a recipe.. just an idea =)

I found one of those amazing little gadgets that you find now and again that makes you wonder how you ever cooked without it.. Simple thing, really.. it's a julienne peeler...

 

 

Inexpensive... INNNNNNVALUABLE!
I've been making everything with it.
I Julienne Zucchini and yellow squash for a pasta dish and serve it with Vodka sauce (recipe soon!)
I Julienne carrots, zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, peppers and toss them with some chicken base and crushed red pepper for some spicy chicken lo mein..
It's my new favorite toy =) =)



Last night, I made spicy beef stir fry.
Happiness <3 <3

I would love to hear about some of your favorite gadgets and what you do with them!!!
Feel free to leave a comment or message me directly with any thoughts or suggestions!!!


Enjoy the end of the world, my sweet ninjas!
I know I will <3

PaleOmaha.. A safe place to lay your fork. Part Uno.

PaleOmaha.
Pronunciation: Pale Eee Oh Maha.
Definition: Places in Omaha where you can find absolutely delicious fare without making yourself sick eating some glutenous mass because you didn't want to be a bother =)

That's right. I love eating in a restaurant. It makes any day feel a little special.. let someone else prepare something beautiful and bring it to me. Go home and not have to wash dishes.... All a recipe for a great night!
But The Caveman is incredibly strict about his Paleo ways.. which is understandable.
When he makes the decision that he wants something bad for him, he goes for it.. but for days after he's lethargic. Down. Bloated. He coughs incessantly and has to use his inhaler again. His stomach aches constantly and his skin gets patchy.
He doesn't decide that he wants gluten very often at all.

This makes restaurant dining a BIT tricky. Not terrible.. but a challenge. So for the last year, I've been cataloguing places we can go to find something that will still be enjoyable to eat, excellent service, fun atmosphere, and Paleo Approved =)

Ready? Let's go!


                                           Manila Grill

                                            108th & O st
                                           (402) 339-2606

 

 

 





My dinner... Lots of veggies and beef in a delicious tomato based sauce.
I LOVED it.. very satisfying.

 



Caveman's dinner..
Beef in a Mirin and Bay sauce.
He liked his a lot, but mine was CLEARLY the better order ;)

 

                                          
The atmosphere was comfortable, not fancy. It was lovely, considering we were unfamiliar with Filipino food and wanted a low pressure dining experience. I assume it was the owner's family who came in and seated themselves at a nearby table.. 12 or so people, loud and boisterous.. asking how long we had been dating, if we wanted to try some of this or that, making recommendations on the menu. One of the children came and sat at our table with us because he found Abrabacon so amusing.. (Imagine that! A 5 year old finds Abe amusing.. will wonders never cease!)
We felt included and welcomed. Even aside from the food being incredibly satisfying, the place is a treasure. Highly recommend!

 

                                                                            Kona Grill

                                   
                                           295 North 170th Street 
                                                (402) 779-2900

 

 

What? Sushi??? Raw fish and rice?????
Here's the thing. You have to ask VERY nicely and they may or may not charge you a dollar extra per roll, but you can have your rolls wrapped in Nori (Seaweed) and then a layer of cucumber or avocado rolled over the outside. Adds the healthy fats your body loves and makes you feel more satisfied after fewer rolls =)
Delicious. I love this place, but it is a little 'Chainy' for my personal pleasure... I'm quite certain you can con any kind sushi chef into making this alteration. Give it a try! You will not be sorry..

In addition, Kona has many delicious entrees that can easily be made suitable.. You can simply ask for additional veggies instead of rice or noodles on each dish, mashed potatoes, or a salad to substitute the offending side =)
                                                    Outback Steakhouse
 


Ok
I LOVE seared Ahi. LOVE IT.
This appetizer plus a side of seasonal veggies with butter comprise one of my favorite dinners.
First.. always ask if it's butter or margarine.
Cuz. Seriously.
Then, take your time as you let the spice blend come together on your tongue.
Happiness <3

A steakhouse tends to be a pretty easy bet// a steak slathered in butter with veggies/
Sweet potato with cinnamon and butter.
Abe likes to get a salad topped with cottage cheese instead of dressing... dressings are usually made of ridiculous amounts of soybean oil...So there you have it, my darling dolls. Part one of my Paleomaha series. Check back for more delicious dining destinations soon!

<3

Giving up. The Very long beginning of a VERY long love story

We are constantly reminded that nothing good ever comes easy..
But the notion that nothing good comes without hard work gives us the false impression that just because we've worked very hard for something, we can never let it go. We can't give up something we've given so much to...


Long way around the story is this...

When we found out we were expecting, we were obviously overjoyed.
We started planning immediately.. should we move or just renovate? Should I look into starting a home daycare so I can stay home with the baby, or should I just find work and try to schedule myself for when Abe isn't working? Should Abe keep fighting, or is that bad for our dynamic?

We giggled as we waited for our ultrasound tech to come show us pictures of our tiny miracle.
We held hands as she poured the warm gel over my flat stomach and we both stared intently at the monitor...
The tech frowned. Reached her free hand up to stroke her own round, pregnant belly and pursed her lips.
Finally, she brightened and I breathed a bit easier.
"Ok dear.. do you see what I see on the screen?" She chirped..
I don't see anything....
"Exactly. It appears you have had a miscarriage. We'll give you some pills to help you expel the remainder of the failed pregnancy and you guys can talk with your doctor about when you can try again." She smiled and nodded her head enthusiastically. I felt Abe's hands shaking, but couldn't bring myself to tear my burning eyes from the screen. The empty screen..

Can we...? If I finished my sentence, I was going to cry. I wasn't ready to cry. I wasn't ready to be done being this baby's Mom.
I pointed at the *otherrrr* ultrasound device. The really invasive one.
She seemed a bit put off by my insistence, but acquiesced.
A moment of looking and she triumphantly announces her original assessment was correct.
I still can't look at Abe.
Instead, I continue to insist. I take matters into my own hands and position the device myself..

A moment later....
The tiniest kidney bean flashes across the screen.
Tiny.
If it wasn't the very face of hope and love, I might not have recognized it as a reason to stop.

That was our son.
Now I cried.
This tiny little bean was the reason our hands, sweaty and trembling, were still clinging for one another. He was the reason those hands would search for one another so many times over the next several months..

From that moment, I began to plan in earnest. We discussed baby proofing. What to do with our two 70 lb dogs. I did a real inventory of my diet to find I was only averaging about 1000 calories a day (before the morning sickness came... ) so I needed to revamp my intake.

And then I woke around 4am feeling odd.
My mind consoled.. it's just menstrual cramps. Don't worry.
A groggy trip to the bathroom would verify this and my sleepy mind brushed it off.
Once my head rediscovered the pillow, the weight of the situation began to bear down.
Menstrual cramps. I'm 4 months pregnant.
The contractions came for the next 2 days. Call after call to my doctor begging to know what I can DO... how can I make it stop?
He calmly.. sadly... told me all I could do was rest. Get some sleep. Drink plenty of fluids.

That's not a THING.. that's not DOING something. I will do 1000 pushups if you tell me my baby is ok.
I will read all of the books again. I will sing the national anthem. I will vacuum the dryer vent... but give me something I can DO that will fix this!

Just rest.

Abe sat beside me on the couch. He stared at me.. hoping he could make the baby feel loved enough to stay. He didn't speak except to tell our son that while we were excited to meet him.. not yet. Please not yet... I'm going to be such a good Dad, but you won't know if you don't stay! I'll buy you a bike! I'll teach you to play basketball.. I'll even let you win sometimes.. just don't go.

I rested like it was my job. Called all of my yoga clients and studios and told them I was under the weather and needed some time off.
Abe fed me like he was trying to insulate our son. If there is enough food in there, maybe he'll get lost and not be able to find his way out?

About a week later, we finally got the clear. He was safe. His heartbeat was strong. I needed to be more careful about physical activity and dehydration, but otherwise...

At this point, I began getting a lot of negative feedback. I was being told I wasn't happy enough about being pregnant. I was told I was too vain. I was told I was gaining too much weight... not enough.
I got to hear from 2nd sources about how I didn't deserve to have this baby.
How many people wanted babies and I wasn't even trying and one just got handed to me... and now I wasn't even happy about it.
I only tried once to discuss the truth of the matter to one of these people before giving up.
I didn't have the energy to waste on someone else's negativity. I haven't spoken with her since and I'm amazed at how little I feel the loss. How little pain it causes once you've lost respect for someones opinion. That was my first lesson in giving up something I had nurtured. Something I had loved...
It was going to be the first of many.

I decided to stop lifting. I always got a few scattered contractions when we bench pressed, so I put it away.
I cut my 5 miles a day down to 2. The summer was hot and I couldn't risk dehydration.

LockeYoga was really picking up.. in one week, I got 11 calls from brand new clients. As tired as my swelling body was, I had worked really hard to get to this point. Figuring early pregnancy fatigue was a fine thing to muscle through, I took client after client. Accepted a position at yet ANOTHER studio. Volunteered to teach a few scattered classes for an office full of very overworked caregivers.

During each class.. one or two contractions.
After... sporadic contractions for a few hours.

I asked my doctor if it was safe and he assured me it was not only safe, but incredibly good for my little one. Always happy to do what's best for him, I continued accepting positions.

At about 5 1/2 months.. the contractions changed. My belly would be completely flat for hours and I would sweat and sometimes see a few stars from the intensity.

Then I began to dilate.

The nurses at the doctors office said he would call me back. They never gave him the message. I called again. He was gone for the weekend. I called the on call doctor. His nurses assured he would call back. 8pm... they told me to go to the ER.

I was sent back to the couch for the weekend. Tears dripped off my chin for days and I couldn't eat because of the pain. Walking became a challenge.. not because of the discomfort, but because of my crippling fear that the upright position would make things worse.

Again, come Monday evening the pain had decreased significantly.

Those days on the couch forced me to truly examine my energy expenditure.

I have spent 4 hard years building LockeYoga.
In the early days, I missed my fair share of meals because of how tight money had become.
I had to rebuild my client base when a rival told several of my clients that my certification was fake. That I had injured a client. That I was overweight and unqualified to teach anything about a healthy lifestyle. Untrue as it was, people's faith in you is fickle and they moved on.
I stayed up nights designing programs to incorporate a wheel chair for a client with advanced MS.
I cried when, for the first time in 4 years, he stood behind his chair to hug me. The only standing he had done in that time was to move himself from the chair to the bed.. with the help of several rigged bars.
I struggled with a program for a girl with a severe spinal cord injury. A couple with Parkinson's. A mother with 3 children. An obese woman who only wanted to be able to one day paint her toenails again.

 



My several group classes comprised 50% of advanced yogis and 50% newcomers. Watching them shift in beautiful rhythm from a lunge into Goddess... hands to the ground and in unison fly into crow... Nobody knew who had never tried before, other than the giggles and cries of victory as they realized their body's true ability..

I thought of how much I had given to this thing I believed in so much... that had finally made me believe in myself.

I used my remaining time on the couch to make 2 online posts and about 2 dozen phone calls.

4 years. It took me 4 years to create something out of my investments, sweat, and passion.
It took me about 20 minutes to shut the whole thing down.

I stopped teaching in September. Completely stopped.

It only took me 5 minutes of knowing I was this perfect human's mother to know I would give up anything to know he was safe.
It took only an hour of being stubborn and forcing my body to submit to something it was resisting to realize how easily he could be taken away.

I have switched health care providers from our OB to an amazing midwife with an incredible support staff.
We have re-prioritized the people in our lives and therefore cut out a significant amount of negativity.
We have painted our nursery and spent hours jabbering at the fluttering mound that blocks my view of my toes.
We all want to believe in something, but we have to allow ourselves to accept it when it's in front of our eyes.
If we ever saw a real dragon... we would call it a lizard.
If we saw a fairy, we would know it was just a bug.
And the day I found faith again, when I found something to believe in- when I saw the face of love.. I only thought it was the face of my son peering back at me through a black and white screen.